By surfbot

Author’s note: This is not a story, it is a true and accurate report of how I spent four interesting days last week. Ever since reading a book in which the hero gets kidnapped and handcuffed naked to a tree, I have wanted to try that myself. (Dick Francis, _The_Danger_; yes, this is a mainstream mystery novel.)

Monday

As usual, my camping trip starts with loading gear onto my bicycle and riding to the campground. This time it is 48 pounds of gear and 70 miles — a fine day’s ride. Remarkably, I had a strong favorable wind and made excellent time. This is the Midwest and wind is usually more important than hills.

I had to reserve a campsite in advance; in midweek there are many to choose from, and the one I chose had no neighbors when I selected it. When I arrived there was a couple set up next door, very close; but they were leaving a day before me, so I’d just have to wait.

As planned, as soon as I got my tent up, I went inside and installed my chastity device — it would not come off until I left for home. This is a stainless steel ball-trapping device from Mr. S that is similar to “the curve,” but has a rod that extends up the tube with a “keeper” that encircles the penis and prevents pullout. I have found I cannot wear it for a long bike ride, so I had to bring it separately, with keys.

At sundown I took a shower and retired. As usual when camping alone I slept naked, in chastity, leg cuffs and handcuffs. My summer-weight sleeping bag proved inadequate, and in the middle of the night I had to remove the cuffs, put on Under Armour tights and top, and re-apply the cuffs. This is a backpacking tent, and I cannot sit fully upright, so changing clothes is an effort.

Tuesday

With close neighbors I could not walk around camp in cuffs, so I removed them and cooked mac & cheese for breakfast (the backpacker’s friend — the size and weight of freeze-dried without the cost). I then dressed in running clothes (short-shorts, jockstrap, synthetic T-shirt, hat, waist pack with snacks and a water bottle) and went jogging/hiking in the state park. That is, when the trail is easy I jog, and when it isn’t I hike. I am used to doing this while wearing my chastity device (jockstrap is essential), and don’t even notice it. I ended up about 50/50 jog/hike, for a total of about 12 miles, with more altitude gain than usual in the Midwest, as there are 120-foot-deep canyons here. I showered just before bed, and slept in Under Armour and cuffs.

Wednesday

The day was a duplicate of Tuesday, except I went on different trails and ended up 60/40 jog/hike for a total of 9 miles. My neighbors had left in the morning.

At sundown I went into my tent, stripped, and applied the hand- and leg-cuffs, I had to wait until the group across the road went to sleep, so I read for a while by flashlight (awkward in handcuffs when you cannot sit up). An hour later they had quieted down, so I finished my preparations: two handcuff keys tied to each end of a 3-foot cord, with the middle tied securely to the links between the handcuffs. I got out of the tent, removed my cuffs, and sprayed mosquito repellant from head to toe (something our literary hero lacked; he also lacked my chastity device and the leg cuffs). I then re-applied the cuffs with my hands behind my back. I walked around for a while, the gravel digging into my bare feet and the chain rattling quietly. I pissed at the edge of the campsite, not wanting to make mud by the tree.

It’s time. So I unlocked one handcuff (ensuring I could do so in back), leaned back against the tree I had selected, and re-cuffed my arms around it behind me, careful to double lock. This tree is about 6 inches in diameter, and a bit rough to the skin; it rises straight for almost ten feet before branching — perfect. I am solidly locked to it and am not going anywhere. There was faint light from distant campsites and the sky, and my body was the most visible thing in view, everything nearby was dark and more sensed than seen. Through a small gap in the trees I could see a few stars. Some walkers went by on the road, seen only by their flashlights. All is quiet except the crickets.

Then something scary happened — the campers across the road came out of their tent and turned on their car’s headlights. I was definitely in the beam, about 100 yards away, and clearly visible if they happened to look. I froze, knowing that movement attracts the eye. I was almost facing them, and closed my eyes so they would not reflect back and give them something to investigate. With my hands away from them, I fumbled with a key and put it into the keyhole, but decided to wait — my tent was in shadow, and if they came my way I could unlock and retreat to it very quickly, while moving would just attract their eyes to me. They turned off the headlights and went back into their tent; I removed the key, remaining locked while my breathing returned to normal.

Standing there, I could tell I would not be spending the night out here, as it was too cold for that, but an hour or two would be OK. I could circle the tree, taking care not to rattle the leg chain too loudly. Obviously there is not a lot to do.

Sitting down turned out to be easy, with only minor roughness on my back. The ground was cold on my bare legs and ass. I could lean forward and a bit to the side, but my motions were highly restricted by my arms cuffed in back around the tree. I found I could lie down by shuffling along the ground and twisting so my elbow was around the tree. My entire body and face could rest on the ground, tilted a bit sideways, but there was considerable strain on my arms and wrists; I don’t think I could sleep this way. I sat back up, which turned out to be easier to say than to do; it would have been much easier without the leg cuffs, and this became an athletic move, but I made it.

While sitting there savoring the moment, a spider climbed up my arm, tickling as it went (another thing our literary hero lacked). My ability to wiggle and dislodge it was quite limited by the handcuffs and tree. It crossed my chest and climbed up my shoulder. When it went behind my neck I was able to crush it against the tree and felt it fall down.

Standing up proved to be very difficult. At first while sitting straight I tried pulling my feet closer to the tree, with my heels under my ass. This did not work, because I had to put too much pressure from my back on the tree, and could not slide upward at all. I could not lean forward enough to get my feet under my body. The handcuffs were too constraining and the tree was too big to get my hands around it to grab and relieve pressure on my back. But I was able to slide sideways, bring my knees close to my body and the tree, and gradually twist around into a kneeling position with the tree inside my elbow at my side. This was another athletic move that would have been easier without the leg cuffs. From there standing up was easy. This maneuver rotated me almost halfway around the tree.

Standing there, when I was about to start to shiver I decided it was time to go in, and unlocked myself from the tree. Before entering the tent I removed all the cuffs and put on my Under Armour. My cellphone showed I had been out there for two and a quarter hours. As I needed a good sleep for the ride home tomorrow, I slept without cuffs, but still in chastity.

Thursday

I decided to risk wearing the cuffs for a while, so I put them on to pack up. It was early and the campground was quiet, but I kept a sharp lookout on the road. It is difficult but not impossible to roll up a sleeping bag and a tent while wearing handcuffs. I got the bike all packed before removing the cuffs and chastity, and changing into bicycle clothes. As I had no breakfast, I took a longer route home that went through a nearby town where I could eat; the day totaled 75 miles — another good ride.

So my trip happened just as I had planned: four high-calorie days and three self-bondage nights.

Metal would like to thank Surfbot for this story!

Click for Stainless Steel Ice Lock

It’s got a million different uses, available from Mr S

These are devices that you use IN ADDITION TO other locking restraints to make the bondage temporarily inescapable. You can bolt yourself down, or chain up another guy and leave him. These are available from Mr S. Here’s a product description courtesy of Richard Hunter, owner of Mr S:

The all-metal lock uses the principle of ice slowly melting to release the inside plunger that connects the two solid welded rings on each end. One end is padlocked to a stationary point, such as a headboard, a bedpost, a D ring in the floor, an overhead chain or even a hoist. The other end ring is then padlocked to the restraints on your prisoner.

It’s a “timed” lock lasting around 2 hours for self-bondage, or for just leaving a man in bondage waiting for the time to run down, so he can free himself. It’s up to you imagination to find many different uses and scenes that you can put this new timed lock to use.

“We have done quite a lot of playing with these and really love how the physiological effects are magnified when you really can’t get out of your bondage and you just have to wait until the lock opens up on its own — sweet and fucking hot,” Richard said, when the ice locks were first introduced.

 As you can see there are many different uses for Ice Locks. For example, a prisoner can be locked inside a cage with them:

Or a guy can be locked to a bed while wearing army boots and leg shackles:

Or perhaps you might want to chain a guy to a ring in the wall or floor and make him wait it out:

Another guy at Mr S was locked by his balls about 10 inches off the ground:

“With all the pulling on this and him wrapping his warm hands around the cylinder to try and make the ice melt faster, he only had to hang there for about 45 minutes,” Richard says.

“Finally it popped open and he fell to the ground,” Richard says. “It was another research product evaluation scene at Mr. S — somebody’s got to do it, you know. The ice cold water dripping down on his balls as it melted was a nice touch.”

That’s awesome. And of course there is always the classic hogtie position as well:

Here is some additional information on the Ice Locks from Mr S:

Make sure that no keys are within reach, so the captive is locked in place until the ice melts and the two metal parts come apart, allowing the captive to then reach the keys to the restraints. The time can vary from 40 minutes to a little more then 2 hours. The time will vary depending on how much water you fill the cylinder with or what the temperature in the room is. The colder the room is the longer it will take the ice to melt and the longer the prisoner is locked down. The timing will start from the time you remove the lock from the freezer, not from the time you actually lock yourself down, so wait as long as possible before you take the lock out of the freezer. Get everything set up first.

For those into self-bondage scenes, this is a perfect solution to getting everything tied in place, but just not being able to make that last part locked so you can’t get out. As a safety measure you’ve always had to have a key within reach so that you will be able to get yourself out at some point. This new Ice Lock can let you really escape into that place where you are really tied up, or locked up, and can’t get out, at least for up to 2 hours. A bondage enthusiast will think of many different ways to put this little timed lock to good use. In fact part of the fun of this will be to see how long the lock works, depending on the room temperature, the amount of water you fill it with and how much pulling and tugging you do on it while trying to free yourself.

Since the time can vary, this leaves you with an “unknown” factor just to fuck with your head a little. So if you are doing this to yourself, you might want to make sure you’ll be fine in whatever predicament you have put yourself in for about 3 hours just to be safe. This is such simple mechanical technology that nothing can really go wrong with this device. But still, make sure you follow all the normal safety precautions when playing by yourself. That means check in with a trusted friend.

Some guys might want to get more then one of these to use in multiple ways. Both hands and feet attached spread eagle to the front and bottom of the bed as an idea.

One possible way of using this on a prisoner is that after playing with him for as long as you want, you can lock him up in what ever position you want and hook one of these ice locks to his restrains and the bed — with the keys to his handcuffs way out of reach. You can tell him you’re leaving and he can free himself within a couple of hours and meet you at the bar once he gets loose.

The number of different scenarios you’ll be able to think of for self-bondage is endless. This will take the enjoyment of self-bondage to a whole new level in a very quick and simple way.

To learn more about Ice Locks from Mr S, click here.

Dalton has to wait while in chastity and bondage with a key held by an ice cube and a string:

Click for Serious Male Bondage

I am VERY excited about the ICE LOCKS from Mr S. In fact, I have two in my freezer at this very moment!

The concept is simple yet effective: There is a cylinder that you fill with water, then freeze in the freezer. You then use padlocks to secure yourself or another guy, and the captive has to wait for the ice to melt before the ice lock opens and he gets out. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions for using these, please let me know.

Click for Mr S

Blog reader Louis made a self-bondage contraption — complete with magnetic locks and a timer mechanism. Check it out:

Louis writes:

For my system there are four timers: 1) A Harbor Freight programmable timer at the power outlet that turns off the entire system for 15 minutes every morning. 2) An enable timer that turns off (currently) at 4 hours. 3) A delay start timer so I need to push the start switches (both of them) for 2 seconds to start the primary timer. 4) And the primary timer that I can change the time on.

The timers can be set for up to 9,990 hours (1.13 years). Three (3) of the counters are CNT-35-96. No, I didn’t spend anywhere near $146 for the timers. They were used, usually less than $10.

There is a 300-pound magnetic lock for each wrist. I can’t pull them loose. At the front of each hand is two start switches. I need to engage one on the left side and one on the right side for 2 seconds to lock the locks. There is a switch on the back of each magnetic lock to release the locks. The switches on the control box can be set for both switches, either switch, can’t be disengaged, or a specific switch. The rotary switch connects the circuit output to the other connections. (Currently not used.)

It feels a LOT safer when I get both hands free at the end of a session. I now play, almost all of the time, with gloves on. I would not do that when I needed to manipulate a key with one hand to get free.

Here are more pictures of the setup:

Metal would like to thank Louis for the pictures and information.

FYI: Louis also designed the jail cell time lock in Yossie’s cell. The jail cell time lock has been updated, replacing the sprinkler timer with a CNT-35-96.

And, you can read more about straitjackets by visiting Louis’ web site: The Straitjacket Page.

NoEscapeSlave decided to try out The Punisher. To make it more interesting he locked himself in a cage and set his Captured Discipline box for four hours with all the keys locked in it.

The pictures were taken when he had 3 hours and 41 minutes left to go.

Captured Discipline box here

The Punisher cock cage here

MummyEd did some self-bondage on the streets (and public transit systems) of San Francisco:

MummyEd comes up with some original ideas. He wanted to do some self-bondage in a very public way. The addition of MISTER S ICE LOCK makes it even more interesting. The hoodie idea was from a friend who hauls his partner around the clubs of LA. The locking transport belt has a metal ring that slips into an opening in the front pouch. A set of handcuffs go through the ring and you are trapped in secret. MummyEd suspended the key out of reach with an ice lock. This would take over three hours to release, which gave plenty of time to take a ride on some public transportation. He headed for a kink-friendly coffee shop, where MummyEd locked his wrists in the handcuffs. After some shopping and sightseeing, he headed for the public transportation. The titillation of public bondage is fun because from this point on, you will try to imagine who else has a secret.

You can see more of this at Serious Male Bondage

By Aussielthrbiker

I had often experimented with self-bondage in the past, but it just didn’t give me the feeling I was after. I tried rope, but as I had to be able to escape it just didn’t give me that feeling of restraint, so I decided to experiment with chains and padlocks.

I started off by putting a pair of tight black leather jeans, black harness boots and black leather jacket – I was already going hard! Next I took a length of chain and wrapped it tightly around my ankles, padlocking it so they were held tightly together. I brought the chain up to my knees, wrapping it tightly around, just above my knees, adding another padlock. I then fed the chain between my legs so it went across the tight leather covering my ass then took it up to my waist and fed it through the belt lugs of my leather jeans. I locked it off around my waist. I now had tight chains binding the lower half of my body.

I then took a roll of duct tape and gagged myself, wrapping the tape around my head a couple of times to make sure it wouldn’t come off. I took another length of chain and lay on my stomach, bringing my hands behind my back. I managed to get a loop of chain around each wrist. I then took a padlock and gathered the ends of the chain together (this was not easy!) and locked the padlock to the chain running from my waist to my knees. I had succeeded in tightly chaining myself up with my hands locked behind my back. I struggled and realised I could barely move! I tried to call out, but all the gag would allow was mmph. This was what it was like to be helplessly bound and gagged! What a feeling, I could feel the hard on in my leather jeans!

I left myself chained up for some time, however, like all self-bondage experiments I decided it was time to set myself free. I rolled over and picked up the key to the padlock securing my wrists and tried to get it in the lock. No matter how hard I tried, there was just no way I could get it in! I then tried to free my wrists from the chain, but I had chained them so securely there was no way I could get them free. I also tried to brush the gag off, but I had done too good a job!

Now I began to panic. I lived on my own, it was Saturday morning and chances were that no one would notice me missing until I failed to show up at work on Monday morning! Damn, I couldn’t even call out for help because of the gag. I had often imagined being helplessly tied and gagged for an extended period and the thought of being stuck here for a couple of days was at the time both exciting and very frightening – I noticed that my hard on hadn’t gone down any!

I saw my mobile phone lying on the floor and realised I could probably still send an SMS. My parents had a spare key to my apartment, but I would have almost sooner died than let them find me like this. Then I thought of my friend Jason. I wasn’t out, but I had always found Jason really attractive and I just felt I could trust him in this situation.

It was actually quite easy to send the SMS:

trapped in apartment need help urgent key front bumper car

I hoped he would respond soon. A few minutes later my mobile rang, it was Jason. I pressed answer hoping he would realise I was in trouble when I didn’t speak. I heard Jason’s voice call out. I tapped out “SOS” in morse code on the keypad and heard Jason say, “OK Matthew, I’ll be right over.”

It was still some time before I heard the key in the lock and the door open. What a sight greeted me; Jason was dressed in black leather from head to foot. He walked over and picked up the key lying beside me. “Would you like me to release you?”

I nodded “yes” but Jason walked over the sofa and sat down. “You know Matthew, I have always had a fantasy about seeing you in tight black leather tied and gagged. You have just saved me the trouble.”

Metal would like to thank Aussielthrbiker for this story — which is long overdue for posting!

And guys, remember — no gagging for self bondage!

To see this and much more, go to Serious Male Bondage

Marknorth locked himself into self-bondage, and this experience was documented on the Serious Male Bondage site:

To see more including a VIDEO of this, visit Serious Male Bondage

Master Mike was inspired by the timer system made by Louis (see previous post, ‘Self bondage on steroids,’ by clicking here) and he built his own device.

Check out the pictures and information below from this guy:

Mike writes:

First off, a big thank you to Louis and the pictures posted on your site of his timer system. I got the same timer units and built myself a timer. I took it one step further and made it controllable over the internet. There are two timers, one I can set for the maximum amount of time before the magnet is released, and the other can be reset or restarted over the internet.

If it is reset, the timer will stop and release the magnet, if it is reset, the timer will reset back to the set time without releasing the magnet. There is also a camera with two-way communications so the remote master can communicate with his prisoner. There are numerous magnets around the house connected to different equipment.

Here are pictures of the timer, internet controller and me secured to the restraint bed.

The magnet has 1200 pounds of holding force and is bolted to the floor, so there is no pulling it free.

Here is a picture of the web page that controls the timer:

Metal would like to thank Master Mike for sharing this information! Very impressive, indeed!

Since he sent these pictures, he subsequently updated his system and sent further updates. Keep checking back to Metalbond to see more about this system.

Check out Dan aka ta2guy in his “pajamas”

Dan says he sleeps in his pajamas a lot of the time, self-locked at home.

You can learn more about this guy by looking him up on FetLife.

Also check out his website, ta2guy.org.

Master Mike updated his self-bondage apparatus by labeling the timer box he built. He also added a second magnet jack. Here are some pictures:

Metal would like to thank Master Mike for sharing this. Since he sent this batch of pictures, he updated his system further, and additional updates will appear here on Metalbond.

By Kevin’s Path

Welcome to Indentured – The game of sex, humiliation, pain, bondage and tedious labor in 3,162,510 combinations

Greetings,

I am pleased to present to you this non-refundable one-of-a-kind copy of Indentured – the game of sex, humiliation, pain, bondage and tedious labor in 3,162,510 combinations. Every individual copy of Indentured is unique, having been designed specifically for you by my game development team based upon a personality profile that you submitted combined with my own internal research about you. Your presences on all social media have been reviewed, including the ones where you use an alias. I also purchased and analyzed the records of all your recent search terms from Google. A tremendous amount of time and resources were devoted upfront to get an intimate picture of you before I delivered your game. So, please understand that’s why I can’t offer refunds. Realize that you hold in your hands a unique crafted item, which will not only entertain you with its practically endless variations in gameplay, but it will also relentlessly challenge you and expand your mind, if you follow along and let it.

To begin your game simply shuffle and cut the deck. Then draw five cards. This is your first hand of Indenture. Each of your cards represents a task that you must perform today. You have until the end of the day or until sunrise tomorrow at the very latest – if you want to stay awake and pull an all-nighter.

This is your quick start guide:

1. You can only play one hand per day. Start whenever you like, but you must complete the hand before sunrise the next day. You must always draw at least five cards.
2. Each card represents a task you must complete. Consult your play manual to identify what your tasks are.
3. There are no do-overs. Play the hand that you drew.
4. There is no pause button. Play your hand now or don’t play. You may not put it away and resume at a more convenient time.
5. You must always combine two or more tasks simultaneously. No credit will be given for a single task completed by itself.
6. If you fail to complete a task, then you will be consigned to the penalty box.
7. If you combine two or more tasks in a creative non-obvious way, then you may be entitled to receive a brownie point – more on that later.
8. If you draw a joker, then some additional rules come into effect – more on that also later.
9. If you draw four of a kind in one hand (for instance 6♦ 6♥ 6♣ 6♠ 2♠) or a run of five cards all in one suit (like 6♦ 7♦ 8♦ 9♦ 10♦), then some additional rules come into effect – more on that also later.
10. If you have difficulty interpreting the rules in a particular instance, consult the Helpdesk.

Note about fair play: I rely upon on your sense of honor, personal integrity, and fair play when you open a hand of Indenture. Do your best to complete each task that you draw truly in the spirit of the game. Some tasks will turn you on. Some tasks might not. Some tasks you will think you could never do. Give them all a chance. You will ultimately not enjoy this game if you do the bare minimum possible to complete and are half-assed and uncommitted to its outcome. You will discover no higher meaning in it. You will discard it. You will likely remain unchanged, uninspired, with your dick less hard, having extinguished the spark that ignites within you. It makes me sad to think you would bail on it like that. I want more for you.

Safety Exemption

If you ever draw task or combination of tasks together in the game that you think would be unsafe or hazardous for you to do, then don’t do it. You get an unconditional free pass in that case. There is no penalty for taking precautions and playing safe.

There are more than three million possible unique hands that you could randomly draw. At Indentured’s QC Lab we have a guy who plays simulated hands all day every day to test and identify unforeseen consequences of every possible combination; however, it is impossible for foresee every possible outcome. When you play, please use your best judgment and sense to fully convince yourself that the combination you attempt is ridiculously hard and challenging but not actually dangerous.

All about The Penalty Box

If you fail to complete a task, then you will be consigned to the penalty box. For each task that you fail to complete, you will spend one week (that’s seven 24 hour cycles) in the penalty box. Here are the rules you must follow at all times when you are consigned to the penalty box:

1. Your masturbation privileges are revoked. There is no jerking off in the penalty box.

2. Any and all other forms of sexual gratification are off-limits. You agree not to seek out any enjoyable sexual experiences of any kind while in the penalty box.

3. No porn allowed.

4. No checking out hot guys or day-dreaming about hot guys.

5. All of your other non-penis related entertainment privileges are also revoked: no TV, movies, Youtube, Netflix, or video games.

Exception: You may watch educational shows or G-rated family programming. You may read newspapers and non-fiction texts if they don’t have pictures of hot guys.

Common Misunderstandings about The Penalty Box:

Your penalty begins immediately at the point in gameplay where you failed a task. To be clear, you may not finish your hand, indulge yourself with a wild night of freedom, and then start your time in the penalty box after. Your sentence begins immediately.

Once in the penalty box, you may still continue to play Indenture. You may choose to start a new hand as soon as the next day following your loss. For every hand that you pass, you may subtract one week off of your existing penalty.

Example: You play a hand Monday and fail one task, incurring a one week penalty. On Tuesday, you play again and complete your tasks successfully. Result: Your one week penalty is immediately erased. You are free.

All about Brownie Points

You must always combine two or more tasks simultaneously, as has previously been explained. No credit is given for a single task completed by itself. If you combine two or more tasks in a creative non-obvious way, then you may be entitled to receive a brownie point.

Brownie points are like gold to you in the game. If you have one saved up, then you can spend it whenever you want to either discard or replace a card that you either can’t or just really don’t want to do. You take the card that you least want to do, remove it, and just shuffle it back into the deck. It will come back to haunt you some other day, maybe.

Of course, there are some restrictions, provisos, and exemptions about how to spend your brownie points:

1. You must always have at least five cards in your hand. Don’t be a pussy with brownie points. Five is always the minimum that you have to do. So, if you only had five, and then you discard one, what would you guess is the right thing to do? Obviously, you need to draw at least one new card off the top to replace it. Then, you play that card instead. Don’t like the new card either? Tough shit. You’re stuck with your new choice, unless you’ve got another brownie point you want to spend.
2. You have to decide before you start on any of the tasks in your hand. You can’t start on your tasks and then part-way through change your mind to bail on a task, discarding it, because it gets too hard or too complicated. It’s your job to plan ahead and know what you are capable of before you start. Don’t be flaky with your brownie points.
3. If you draw a joker, you can’t use a brownie point to make it go away. You are stuck with it, and you always have to follow the special joker rules that come in to play. (See the Joker Section for more about that.)
4. If you draw four-of-a-kind or a run of five cards in one suit, then you can’t use a brownie point to break up the run or break up the four-of-a-kind. You have to follow the special rules that apply if that happens to you.

Earning Brownie Points

Brownie points are gold; so, how do you get them?

You have to combine two or more tasks in a creative non-obvious way. It is a little difficult to explain this by giving you examples, because once I give you an example, then that particular one is no longer creative and non-obvious to you. If you think you’ve done something to earn one, you need to go to the Indentured website and fill out an application to our Brownie Point Review Board.

Here is one way to go brownie point hunting. Look for combinations that seem as if they couldn’t be done together. Now, find a way to do them together. That would likely be brownie point-worthy. For instance:

4♥ (douchebag) and K♥ (spatchcocked). It doesn’t seem like an obvious combination. No, you can’t possibly douche out your ass while grabbing your heels all but immobile in that position. Or, can you? Think about it.

2♦ (stupid hairy pig) and 7♦ (cute baby). They don’t go together, because you can’t possibly suck on a pacifier and have a big juicy apple wedged in your mouth at the same time. Or, can you?

2♥ (master of mind control) and 10♦ (oil rig). You can’t possibly grease your shaft without physically touching your shaft. Or, can you?

There are more than 1400 unique two-card combinations in the game. Many of them are (or can be made to be) challenging to do together. Look upon them as opportunities to earn a brownie point.

Borrowing Brownie Points

What if you really, really need to spend a point, but you have not earned it yet? Supposing that you are confident you will earn one soon, you could get a loan from the brownie point bank. The only downside of getting a loan is that you will need to pay interest on the loan starting with the next hand you play after the current one.

Next time you play, you will need to draw one extra card for every outstanding brownie point that you owe to the bank. The extra card is your interest on the loan. If you are in debt by one point, then from now on draw six cards every hand you play until you pay the point back. You may borrow as many points as you want, but you will needed to draw an extra card for every one of them outstanding until repaid. There is no limit to how much debt you can choose to assume. Don’t like any of your cards? You can borrow five brownie points now to replace them all. Just be sure you will be comfortable playing a ten card hand next time and every time after that until you start paying the points back.

All about Jokers

There are two jokers in the deck. There is one red & yellow joker. There is one blue & black joker. These are the special rules that apply whenever you draw a joker:

1. For each joker in your hand, you must draw four additional cards off the top of the deck; typically, you end up with a total of nine cards in your hand, instead of the usual five. Don’t freak out yet.
2. For each joker in your hand, you have the option to remove one other card. (But, you can’t discard the joker.) Pick whichever one you least want to do and reshuffle it in the deck. Then, you have eight cards left. You are now left with the joker plus seven other cards that you must do, instead of the usual five – but at least you had some choice about how to shoulder the burden.
3. You have drawn a joker; therefore, there must be a joke at your expense. I know you understand the logic of this. Here it is:

You must figure out a way to perform at least one of your tasks while wearing a clown costume and simultaneously doing an entertaining clown performance. Think about prat falls, juggling, slapstick, and madcap physical comedy.

4. If you drew the red & yellow joker, then you are filthy raunchy sex clown. You will need to learn to work blue in your comedic clown act. Your performance ought to be bawdy, off-color, risqué, indecent, profane, and largely about sex.
5. If you drew the blue & black joker, then you are a schadenfreude clown. You have to die a little inside to become a really great comic; so, find a way to recreate a deeply humiliating painful experience in the form of a hilarious clown skit. Punish yourself and make us laugh through your tears.
6. Do your best with your clown costume. Really put some thought into that. Consult the Clown Guide for more information.
7. On rare occasions you might draw both jokers at the same time. No problem. Just double up everything. You’ll need to draw eight additional cards. You can optionally discard two cards. You’ll need to perform at least two of your nine tasks while wearing a clown costume and performing a madcap clown routine. One routine must be raunchy. The other routine must be painful yet funny.
8. The penalty for not putting on your clown costume or not doing a good clown performance is one week in the penalty box for every card in your hand. Neglecting to do it would typically sum up to eight weeks penalty. You get no credit for anything; so, don’t forget to do your clown routine.

The Clown Guide

So, you’ve drawn a joker. In addition to performing all your other tasks, you must now discover your own inner clown and make it real. You may have profound doubts about whether you are good clown material, but I have faith in your potential. This clown guide provides advice and suggestions to help you maximize your comedic potential and to become the best clown you can be!

All about Clowns

“I don’t care what Sarah Palin says anymore. Sarah Palin has become a clown. I’m embarrassed that I was once for Sarah Palin.” –Glenn Beck

This is a misconception. Sarah Palin does not really fit the formal definition of a clown, which is generally conceived as a slapstick comedic performer who communicates through mime. So, don’t dress up like Sarah Palin. That’s not what I mean here. I just want to make sure there is no confusion.

Let’s start with some definitions:

A clown is a comic performer who employs slapstick or similar types of physical comedy, often in a mime style (without speaking.)

Slapstick is a style of humor involving exaggerated physical activity which exceeds the boundaries of common sense.

Physical comedy, is a type of comedy that depends on visual, often exaggerated jokes and gestures.

Mime is a theatrical technique of suggesting action, character, or emotion without words, using only gesture, expression, and movement.

Clown Philosophy

Think for a moment about how man can be ennobled and represented heroically in great paintings and sculpture….

Good. We’re going the other direction with you. A clown is grotesque mockery of man and a hilarious object of ridicule. That’s why it’s so important that you devote time, thought, and conscientious practice into becoming the best clown you can be.

Clown Types

You are a clown, but the question you need to ask yourself is, “Deep down inside, what kind of clown am I?” There are many different types. Here is a non-exhaustive list to get you started:

• Whiteface Clown — must be mentioned, because it is the classic traditional type. Think Bozo and Ronald McDonald. It is a boring choice but acceptable.
• Court Jester Clown — otherwise known as a Fool, was an entertainer employed in the house of a nobleman in mediaeval times. A jester might be expected to wear motley colors with donkey ears and bells. He would often be treated like a household pet.
• Hobo or Tramp Clown — a cartoonish character portraying a homeless or impoverished person, often migratory, shiftless, alcoholic, or lazy.
• Rodeo Clown — entertains the crowd at a rodeo while distracting an angry bull from a fallen rider. He often hides behind barrels.
• Keystone Cop Clown — The Keystone Cops were fictional incompetent policemen, featured in silent film comedies in the early 20th century.
• Evil Scary Clown — The irrational fear of clowns is called There are many examples of this type in popular western culture. Think Pennywise from the novel “It” by Stephen King.
• Ethnic Clown — a character that ridiculously impersonates people of a different race for entertainment. Even the traditional whiteface clown was originally based on a stereotyped image of Irish people (red hair, giant alcoholic nose.) Other examples include the Blackface Clown, the Mustache Twirling Villain Clown.
• Nance Clown — a burlesque theater character that hilariously portrays a mincing prissy effeminate homosexual male.

Here also is a list of some famous clowns whose work you might want to study:

• Rowan Atkinson (Mr. Bean)
• Teller — American magician, comedian
• Buster Keaton — a silent film actor known for his trademark physical comedy and consistently stoic deadpan expression.
• Red Skelton (Freddie The Freeloader)
• Charlie Chaplin — a silent film actor known for portraying The Little Tramp, a bumbling good-hearted vagrant.
• Michael Richards (Cosmo Kramer)
• Benny Hill — British comedian known for humor relying on slapstick, sexual innuendo, and parody.
• Jerry Lewis (The Nutty Professor)
• Marcel Marceau — famous for his silent mimed exercises, such as The Cage and Walking Against the Wind.
• Harpo Marx — one of theMarx brothers who never speaks, famous for crazy sight gags, doing elaborate charades, and pulling improbable objects out of his coat pockets.
• Paul Reubens (Pee Wee Herman)

Clown Names

You should give yourself a good clown name. If you have trouble coming up with a name, consult here for ideas:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_clowns

Notes on Clown Costumes

You should devote a significant time and your best creative effort into assembling your clown costume. Don’t just go to the Halloween costume store and pull one off the shelf. This should be your own unique creation.

• Decide if you want to apply make-up for face-painting or body painting. If you are planning to be a naked clown, then you will obviously need to think about body paint.
• A good rule of thumb is to super-size or micro-size clothing for your costume to be either extremely large or extremely small. The incongruous juxtapositon of extremely large and extremely small together is sometimes comical. Think about the iconic giant clown shoes and tiny hat combination that clowns often use.
• Choose brightly colored clothes and accessories.
• Consider if it would be worthwhile to invest in a huge red curly wig, a bald-headed wig, or maybe a big goofy rainbow wig.

Clown Performances

Here is a partial list of clown performance elements, which you could incorporate into your act:

• Balloon animals
• Juggling
• Magic Tricks
• Walking into walls
• Slipping and falling on your ass
• Charades
• Tell a story through pantomime
• Slapstick comical violence
• Puppet show
• Do a dance accompanied by music

What happens if I draw four of a kind?

If you draw four of a kind in one hand (for instance 6♦ 6♥ 6♣ 6♠ 2♠), then some additional rules come into effect.

1. You may not discard or pass on any of the four cards that make up four-of-a-kind in your hand.
2. You must complete at least two of the tasks in your hand while in your sleep.

What does “in your sleep” mean? Some tasks can literally be fulfilled while sound asleep. “Sock Puppet” is one example. Obviously, you could fall asleep with a cute sock puppet on your dick.

Other tasks do require active conscious participation from you. To fulfill any of those tasks “in your sleep”, you would need to set an alarm to wake yourself up at some time in the night. Get out of bed, sleepyhead, and complete these two remaining tasks that you left undone from the previous day. Be sure to complete them both by sunrise. You may go back to sleep after you have completed them successfully.

What happens if I draw a run?

If you draw a run of five cards all in one suit (for instance 6♦ 7♦ 8♦ 9♦ 10♦), then some additional rules come into effect.

1. You may not discard or pass on any of the five cards that make up a run in your hand.
2. An ace counts as “one” for the purpose of forming a run. The combination of king, queen, jack, 10, and 9 in that order is also a run.
3. You must complete each of the individual tasks that make up the run (obviously).
4. You must also complete all tasks belonging to that card suit with values less than the lowest valued card. In the example above there is a run in diamonds. You must do every task between 10♦ and A♦. That is a double-sized hand; so, you will have a busy day.
5. Although you cannot discard or pass on the five cards making the original run, you may use brownie points to discard any of the additional cards you have picked up below the lowest valued run card.

Crib Sheet – Sex Cards

A♥ Fucked by politicians: Find any convenient cock, dildo, plug, item of produce, or other insertable phallic object. Now, locate the text of an important speech given by a politician or an important government official. Recite the speech with seriousness and gravity while fucking yourself.

2♥ Master of mind control: Get yourself hard using your mind only today, and stay at attention until you’ve completed at least one other task. You are allowed no physical contact with your penis today. No touching, stroking, sliding, slapping, grabbing, poking, rubbing, scratching…nothing like that. You can fuck the air, if you want to.

3♥ Nose, tongue, and toes: Find a way to touch your nose and tongue to both big toes all at the same time.

4♥ Douchebag: Make yourself more fuckable by thoroughly cleaning and freshening up your butthole. When I pull out, I want to be gleaming and fresh like morning dew.

5♥ Prancing pony: Get your cock and balls out, and expose at least your bare thighs and your stomach below the navel. Get your hands together behind your head with your elbows toward the sky. Jog in place, but bounce a little. Get your knees up at least as high as your hips. Thrust out your stomach and get your thighs close together. Get a rhythm going so that your cock slaps up against your stomach, and then your balls slap down against your thighs in time with your pace. Your unit should be keeping time with you like a metronome. Your goal is to maintain this smack-smack-smack rhythm uninterrupted and also to maximize the force and loudness of the dick slapping. If you start out with a soft cock and then then stiffen and elongate more as you prance, you’ll find there is a half-hard sweet spot where you can whip it around to maximum effect. This should be tiring if you do it correctly. You should definitely work up a sweat.

Note: This doesn’t technically count as sex – so long as you don’t cum from it. However, you may not slap your dick against anything if you are a master of mind control.

6♥ Pongo: Hump like a dog until you cum with no hands on a leg or some furniture. I expect you to pant, stick your tongue out, and slobber.

7♥ Perform on command: You are required to get yourself off while simultaneously doing at least one other task. No pressure, but if you fail to ejaculate promptly, then you fail this entire hand and will receive no credit for any tasks performed. You will of course be consigned to the penalty box one week for every failed task in your hand. Hurry up!

8♥ Trenchcoat: Perform a sexual act in a public place where there is danger of getting caught.

9♥ Exposed: Find an acceptable way to have a stranger see you naked. Suggestions: attend a nudist gathering; get a physical; go camping; get a massage; hang out in a locker room. Remember, you must combine this task simultaneously with at least one other one.

10♥ Grind: You are too shy and don’t get out enough. Reactivate your Grindr and Recon accounts that you hardly ever look at. Update your old and incomplete profiles with candid and true information that describes you.

You should mention in your profile that you are playing Indentured – the game of sex, humiliation, pain, bondage and tedious labor in 3,162,510 combinations, but you suck at it; so, you would appreciate any coaching to make you a better player. If anyone makes a credible, reasonable offer to coach you, then you must accept the offer and follow-up.

Check out some guys and chat. You must make a serious effort to talk to as many guys as there are cards in your hand. Be a good boy. I know I don’t have to tell you to be polite, respectful, and completely truthful.

Remember that you must simultaneously do at least one other task while chatting.

J♥ Blue-balls: Go out as far as you can to your edge. Before starting on any of your other tasks, get yourself hard and excited at least to the point where you juice up with precum. Stop just before the point of no return. At regular intervals between now and the completion of your hand, jack yourself up again all the way to your edge, but, don’t even think about shooting. The number of times you must jack yourself without climaxing is equal to at least the number of cards in your hand.

You are free to shoot your load after the hand is over, only if you have no other cum restrictions in effect and are not in the penalty box. If you draw this card while you are in the penalty box, then you must play it. You may not discard it. You may not shoot after the hand is over unless your penalty has expired.

Note: If you draw this card in combination with Join a Monastery, you are required to jack yourself to your edge and then punish yourself (obviously) for getting hard and thinking lustful thoughts every time.

Q♥ Face fuck ergonomics: Discover some way to attach handle bars to your head. Stretch out your jaw and devote some time and effort to improving your talents as deep-throating face hole.

K♥ Spatchcocked: Get on your hands and knees on the floor. Lower your chest and face onto the floor. Open your mouth and kiss the floor. Then, reach back with each hand and grab the heel of each foot. Then, spread out your knees and arch your back to push your hips toward the floor until you can feel your cock head touching the floor. Keep your chest and both tits flat on the floor. Keep widening and flattening out until you can also get your balls on the floor. If you are in the right position, your mouth, tits, cock and balls are all on the floor with your knees splayed out and your hands still gripping your heels.

Find a way to make yourself cum in this position, unless you are in the penalty box or have other cum restrictions.

Crib Sheet – Humiliation Cards

 A♦ Garbage boy: Do a service to your community. Go out with a trash bag and collect garbage until you’ve filled it up. When done, empty it out and sort the recyclables. Strip and wear only the empty trash bag for the rest of the day. If you found any clothes while you were dumpster diving, you may wear them too.

2♦ Stupid hairy pig: Open wide your mouth and wedge a big juicy apple in between your teeth. See if you can smush your nose somehow into a pig snout. Get yourself into a lotus position with your knees splayed out wide and your feet folded up under your balls. Be present in the moment and meditate reflectively about what it means to you to be stupid hairy pig who craves this type of experience. Breathe slowly and deeply.

3♦ Put yourself on display: Adjust any directional lamps and increase the level of lighting as much as possible before you mount onto your display table. Set up any available cameras or video recording equipment. I expect you to practice holding each of these four positions as long as you can before cycling to the next one. Draw cards from the bottom of your deck until you get to the first numbered card. This how many cycles of four you will do.

Position 1. Get up onto hands and knees. Your knees will be about 2½ – 3 ft apart. Use a ruler and tape to mark your knee positions on the table. Gently lower your head down and plant your face in the table with your mouth, chin, and nose on the table top. Mark your eye position on the table with tape also. Don’t look up or let your eyes wander from the mark. You may become slightly cross-eyed. Your face and your knees make a tripod. The natural tendency in this position is to sit back on your heels; don’t do that. Get your hips up high vertical on top of your thighs. Arch your back to get your ass up as high as it can go. Put your arms behind your back with elbows close together. Reach your two hands deeply into the crack of your ass, grab firmly, and spread your ass cheeks apart so everyone can get a good look at your hole. Push with your abdominal muscles and pucker out your hole. You are expected to keep your asshole puckered out at all times in this position. Continually non-stop pull apart your butt cheeks. Don’t assume it can’t open out more. If I filmed your butthole with time-lapse photography, it should look like a flower blooming.

Position 2. Lie down on your back with your shoulder line at the edge of your display table. Relax your neck to allow your head to fall back over the table edge. Let your jaw hang open, and see the world upside down. Grab the sole of each foot with your hand from the outside and straighten your legs. Your legs should look like a giant V in the air. Keep your knees locked. Continuously pull with your arms to widen the V.

Position 3. Stand on your display table with your toes and heels together. Sink into a squat position. Shift all your weight to your toes, raising your heels high in the air, and swivel your hips to bring your knees out wide to either side of you. Raise your arms. Grasp your hands behind your head. Pull your elbows way back behind your ears so you can can’t see them in your peripheral vision. Pull your stomach in, arch your back, and push your chest out. Keep your neck straight and your chin out off of your chest. Keep your eyes down focused on a mark on the table top in front of you. Hold the position balanced on your toes.

Position 4. Kneel up on your knees with your knees ten inches apart. Mark the spacing with tape marks. Put your hands on your ass cheeks as if you were putting them in the back pockets of your jeans. Lean backward. Look at the ceiling, then keep looking backward until you see the wall behind you upside down. Reaching behind you, grab the top of each heel with each hand, thumb outside, fingers inside. Look at the wall behind you. Push your chest up to the ceiling. Push your hips out and forward. You should be in a deep back arch with your hips and groin thrust out with your meat on display.

4♦ Join a monastery: To purify your eternal soul, you have taken three vows to maintain yourself in poverty, chastity, and silence. You may not spend any money, unless for a donation to charity. You are allowed no sex of any kind today, regardless of what other cards say. You may not communicate with anyone except to pray to your god, regardless of what other cards say. You should also pre-plan a way to punish yourself each time you get an erection or think any lustful thoughts. You are permitted to wear at most one piece of plain peasant clothing to cover your nakedness. It needs to be some type of robe, gown, cloak, towel, or rag. It ought to be easy to pull down for the purpose of whipping or flagellating yourself.

5♦ Lifebuoy: I heard you say a bad word. It sounded like “Oh fudge!” But, it was really the F-dash-dash-dash word! Stuff big wide soap bar in that dirty mouth. You might want to try different brands. Some people prefer Lux. Palmolive has a nice, piquant after–dinner flavor. Lifebuoy, on the other hand….

In the 1983 movie A Christmas Story, Ralphie’s mother washes his mouth out with Lifebuoy soap for swearing, and Ralphie dreams that he goes blind from soap poisoning; so, after you’ve performed at least one other task with soap in your mouth, find a way to complete all your remaining tasks with your eyes blinded.

6♦ Ding dong: I’ve found a new and better use for your weenie. We will repurpose it as a bell ringer to alert any normal guys around about your wild homo urges. It will act like a little weenie lighthouse warning them away from the rocks. Find some type of good loud, clangy bell with some weight to it. Hang it off the base of your knob. Keep it swinging free outside of any clothing, and just keep ringing that bell.

7♦ Cute baby: Put a bonnet on your head and a big fat pacifier in your mouth. Suckle on that pacifier. Wear a diaper. Put an ice pack down your diaper to shrink down your dick into a cute little harmless nubbin. It shouldn’t be any bigger than an inch. Eat one jar of baby food for every card in your hand.

8♦ Defeated Jock: Put on a really tight athletic supporter with a cup and at least one other item of athletic gear. Your coach discovered your secret notebook full of jerk-off stories about your teammates. You need to report to his office immediately to discuss the status of your athletic scholarship and your new position with the team as the locker room bitch. Your new duties will include scrubbing down the locker room shower stalls and toilets after practice and writing detailed letters of apology to each your teammates for secretly smelling their jocks and masturbating to disgusting fantasies about licking their sweaty feet and genitals. It’s time to make those toilets gleam and then write another apology.

9♦ Target: Sometimes I have trouble with my aim. Would you help me out, pal? Make a big user-friendly bullseye target on your ass or, maybe, some dayglow airport landing strip marks. Also, figure out a way to attach a wide-mouthed funnel to your face where your mouth would be. Super! You are free to consume any food you want, so long as it’s liquid or in the form of mush that you can push down the hole of the funnel.

10♦ Oil Rig: Grease up your shaft. Lubricate your hole. Slick back your hair. Make your whole body glisten with oil. Find a way to attach both feet to the floor or to some other immovable object.

J♦ Sex monkey: You have been intensively trained through aversive conditioning and hypnosis to be a performing sex monkey in my porn circus. I keep you in a cage all the time between shows. You are only permitted to make monkey sounds. Every time you complete a task correctly, I reward you with one banana. Your monkey brain only craves bananas; so, you won’t want to have any other food. You can have all the water you want. Note: your banana reward is not optional. You will eat a banana for every task you finish correctly, or else. You should do your best to peel and eat the banana with your feet.

Monkeys have weird mating behaviors that are difficult for humans to comprehend. In your species’ case, you can only have sex if you see a fleshy pink balloon inflate out of another monkey’s ass; otherwise, you can’t get turned on.

Note: If you draw this card in combination with a joker, then you will eat two bananas for every task you complete in your hand. If you draw two jokers in combination with this card, then you will eat three bananas for every task you complete in your hand.

Q♦ What to do with only one shoe: Create face-hugging headgear for yourself using any single closed-toe shoe, sneaker, loafer, moccasin, or boot. Preferred configuration is to wedge your chin into the heel counter with your nose under the tongue of the shoe, the toe cap pointed between your eyes toward your forehead. You can secure it to your face with the laces or by wrapping some tape or other bindings around your head.

K♦ Sock puppet: Be creative in the way that you choose to turn your penis into a sock puppet. You could pull socks over your penis shaft. Maybe, wrap and tie some socks on to look like ears. You could secure it with rubber bands, shoe laces or more socks. Give it a face with personality. I highly recommend googly eyes, but they are not mandatory.

Crib Sheet – Pain and Bondage Cards

A♣ Sweat bag: Get into your thermally insulated sleeping bag. Zip it up all the way to hold in your heat. Cover your face and head. If able to wear clothes, add on multiple layers to maximize tightness, confinement, and heat build-up.

2♣ Ball buster: You’ve gotten enough enjoyment out of your nutsack. Give it a new purpose today as a stress-relieving squeeze toy or a paddle ball. Set up a regular schedule of ball busting sessions throughout the day. Get them out and whack away. Go for breaking a sweat and feeling a little dizzy and nauseated each session.

3♣ The Price is Right: We need to raise some cash by auctioning you off at the best price we can get. First off, I’ll need you to write out your product description to go into the auction catalog. You will need to describe what you are good for and any special talents you may have. You will also need to provide the following stats:

Lot #:

Height:

Weight:

Maximum insertion diameter (anal):

(oral):

Flaccid Penis Length:

Circumference:

Erect Penis Length:

Circumference:

Yaw:

Testicle Volume (measured by orchidometer) Right:

Left:

Anogenital Distance:

How long can you hold your breath?:

How many teeth do you have?:

Chest Circumference:

Waist Circumference:

Wingspan (maximum distance fingertip to fingertip):

How wide apart can you spread your legs? (heel to heel distance):

Dietary requirements (kosher/vegan/gluten free/cum only):

Modifications (tattoos/piercings/circumcision/other):

Tongue Length:

Width:

Can you roll the lateral edges of your tongue upwards into a tube?

Feet (distance big toe to heel) Right:

Left:

When you step up onto the auction block, you will need to be naked and in bondage with at least some type of restraints on your wrists and ankles. Chains and shackles would be ideal. Your lot number should be written large on your chest and ass so that people know where to find you in the catalog.

Draw a numbered card from the bottom of your deck. This is the opening bid for you. Depending on what it is, we need to decide if we should accept it or try to bid up your price further. If we accept it, then you are sold. Step down.

If we go for higher, then draw another numbered card. If the next card is higher than the initial bid, then good. Your price has gone up. You may take a free pass on one of the other tasks in your hand today as a reward for being such quality merchandise. If the second card is same value as the first card, then you must draw again. If the card is lower than the initial bid, then you failed to sell at a reasonable price. You failed this task.

We may continue to bid up your price multiple times, each time winning another free pass on another task in your hand if your price keeps rising. However, you fail as soon as your price dips down, and you lose all of your accumulated free passes then.

4♣ Parcel post: I plan on transporting you to a more secure location. Figure out the best way to pack yourself into a small, economical, light weight shipping container. Be sure to leave an air hole to breathe, and plan a way to get out after you are signed for at your destination. Immobilize yourself as much as possible, and think about how your only purpose is to wait and obey.

5♣ Water torture: Drink lots of water (or beer) today. Postpone starting on any of your other tasks until you feel full with urgency to piss like a race horse. Hold it as long as you can. You must complete at least half of your other tasks successfully before you may use your hose to put out any fires.

6♣ Take my yoke upon you: You need to find a way to get a ridiculously large, restrictive, heavy, massive collar on you. A plain, old dog collar will not do. Get more creative.

7♣ Ummpf: You love gags and muzzles, and I suspect you have a whole collection of favorite socks, deflated tennis balls, dog toys, bits, tapes, elastic bands, and tongue clamps. Pick a really good one.

8♣ Useless as tits on a bull: I could imagine you with a pair of massive protruding hog-tits as wide as my thumb. That would be ideal. You are not nearly there yet; so, get to work on them, will you? Please? Do some serious work on them right now today. Clamp them. Stretch them. Twist them. I should be able to grab one with my fist.

9♣ Tether: You need at least one length of chain and at least two locks. Tether yourself to an immovable or heavy object, such a support post or a heavy appliance. The length of the chain tether may be no more than 5 ft. Make sure you have everything you need for the rest of the day, because the 5 foot radius is the extent of your world from now on.

10♣ Pain relief: I am giving you a choice here. Choose either “Icy-Hot” pain relieving cream or any brand of high potency pain relief cream with at least 0.1% capsaicin to ease your pain. Apply it liberally all around your asshole, ball sack, dick shaft, and tits until you start to feel a warm pain relieving sensation. You don’t need to wash it off. Your nerve endings will overload and stop responding after a while. You’re welcome.

J♣ Hobble Yourself: You might need your legs and arms, but who says you need the full use of them? Bind your upper arms tightly to your torso from your shoulders to you elbows; bind your thighs together from your hips to your knees. Your balls can be either inside or outside of the binding. You should still be able to work your legs below the knees to hobble around slowly, and you should still be able to move your forearms and hands around with a limited range of motion. So, you aren’t totally useless.

Q♣ Rolled and Wrapped: Make a cocoon for yourself out of plastic wrap, bungie cords, carpeting, or anything that can bind you up tightly head to toe.

K♣ Punishment Tour: You have committed regulatory infractions as a cadet at my military academy. You may not be acceptable officer material, and you certainly will not graduate until you have worked off your punishment hours.

Lace up your boots. Put on your fatigues and any other military gear. Your uniform must pass inspection before your punishment tour may begin. Only after you pass inspection, draw a numbered card from the bottom of the deck. This is the minimum number of hours that you must work off today. You will drill a combination of push-ups, sit-ups, crunches, wind sprints, squats, long distance running, or any other exercises to exhaust you and break you down.

If you are currently in the penalty box and you hold this card in your hand, then you may apply your worked hours today to reduce your penalty time. You may reduce your penalty box time by one day for every solid hour of punishment drills.

Crib Sheet – Tedious Labor Cards

A♠ Counting: Take 10,000 steps. No. We don’t need a Fitbit, because we have you to keep track of these things.

2♠ Washing machine: I don’t need to go to the laundromat anymore, because I have you. Do the laundry by hand the way I like it. You’ll need a wash basin with warm water and detergent, a wash board, a rinse bucket with clean cold water, rubber gloves, some rope to string up and use for a clothes line, some newspapers or tarp to catch any dripping off the clothes line, an iron, and an ironing board.

1. Wash each item individually by dunking it the wash basin and rubbing it up and down ten times on the wash board. Underwear and socks need to be rubbed ten times inside and ten times outside. Undershirts need to be rubbed ten times inside, ten times outside, and ten times each arm pit.
2. Dunk each item in the rinse bucket and wring the water out. Repeat this step five times to get all the soap out.
3. Hang each item on the clothes line to air dry.
4. Change the wash water and rinse water out at least after every half hour.
5. You may start ironing only when clothes are completely dry.
6. It may take eight hours or more for clothes to air dry; so, start laundering early as possible to be finished by sunrise the next day. If you have trouble air drying an item, such as a towel, try holding at the edges and whipping it through the air forcefully.
7. All items, including underwear and socks must be ironed unless the tags say not to.
8. Match up all individual socks and fold together.
9. Hang up pants and shirts on hangers after ironing out all wrinkles.
10. Fold all towels, undershirts, and underpants individually and stack wrinkle free.

3♠ Floored: Find a hard wood or tile floor, and make it gleam. You will need one wash bucket with hot water and floor soap, rubber gloves, one cold water rinse bucket, a big sponge or a mop head with no handle, and throw away cloth towels to wipe down with. Clear the floor of any rugs or furniture before starting. Knee pads are highly recommended. Make three passes over the floor first with hot soapy water, with cold rinse water, and finally with towels to buff it dry. Stay down off your feet and keep your eyes on the floor.

4♠ Make your weight: You have a hard-on for UFC mixed martial arts fighter Clay “The Carpenter” Guida. Tomorrow is your weigh-in for the big fight with him in The Octagon. You need to get down to 145 pounds or under in time so you qualify to compete in the featherweight division. Spend some time practicing at least one of the four MMA disciplines to prepare: wrestling; kickboxing; striking; or jiu jitsu.

5♠ Sensory deprivation: Trust me. You look great naked with a bag over your head. Find a quiet safe place where you can’t get into any trouble. You will need to have a clock. Put ear plugs in. Cover your ears to muffle sound. Cover your eyes. Cover your face. Be silent.

You need to stay that way for two hours, but if you can’t see a clock or hear an alarm, how will you know? (You can’t put your phone on vibrate either.) Make your best guess. If you come out to early, you’ve failed the task.

6♠ Be a good little footstool: Fill an open drink cup with water, beer, or other drink. Set up a chair in front of the TV, computer, or radio. Turn on a broadcast about a sports event that you know little or nothing about. Set up a chair in front of the TV, then get down on your hands and knees in front of the chair. Keep your back straight and your eyes on the floor. You are not here to see the game. You are here to be my footstool and drink holder. Place the drink cup somewhere on your ass, back, neck or head, and hold still to balance it there. Stay like that until the end of the game.

I expect you to listen to the play-by-play and memorize the final score of the game for me in case I fall asleep.

7♠ Hidden Message: Open up a non-fiction book with more than 100 pages and few pictures if any (definitely, no pictures of hot guys) , and copy down every seventh word starting anywhere within the first ten pages. When you encounter a secret hidden message that gives you another instruction, you are free to stop copying and go follow that instruction; otherwise, continue until you reach the last page.

8♠ Money bags: Age-old problem – how to carry your money around if you are a naked bitch and have no pockets. Solution: Put all your money in the form of coins and other heavy valuables into a coin bag that you can hang from a cock ring at the base of your balls. It will all be safe there. If too heavy, try running support lines out to your tits to distribute the load.

9♠ Cross-country: Go outside for a long distance run. Regardless of the season or weather, I expect you to go shirtless wearing at most for clothes only footwear, optional hat, and the briefest least substantial running shorts that you can find.

10♠ Time-out: You need a tennis ball, baseball, basketball or something similar. Go to a corner of the room. Place the ball against the wall at the height of your forehead. Lean your head against the ball, holding the ball with your head against the wall. Grab your forearms behind your back. Put your feet and heels together. Stand up straight. Stay in position without letting the ball slip.

J♠ Work the pile: Assemble a pile of objects at one end of a long room – can be anything: rocks, clothes, books, trash, pennies, playing cards…. It should be a substantial pile with about 50-100 things at least. Then, put on a pair of boxing gloves or mittens over both hands, and tape your fingers and thumb all together.

Pick up one item at a time from the pile. Carry it to the opposite end of the room, and put it down to start accumulating a second pile there. Return, and repeat until the first pile is all gone. Don’t stop or take any breaks from working the pile.

Repeat this entire process with the new pile that you’ve accumulated across the room. Move each thing back, and reconstitute the original pile where you started. At this point you will have made between 100 and 200 back-and-forth trips across the room to transport your pile round trip back to where it started.

Now, draw cards from the bottom of your deck until you come to the first numbered card. This number is how many more times you will transport the pile round-trip across the room.

Q♠ Mod yourself: Modify your body in a significant way that will last for at least longer than today. Here are some suggestions:

• Shave a part of your body (other than your facial hair).
• Wax a part of your body.
• Get a tan.
• Get a tattoo.
• Pierce something.
• Do something about those teeth.
• Dye yourself a new color.
• Get some cosmetic surgery.

K♠ Youtube reviewer: You are a connoisseur of bare chested calisthenics and weightlifting routines on Youtube. Go online, and critically review any ten videos in the bare chested workout genre. Takes notes, and write your review. Rate the videos based on the following criteria:

• Hotness of the bare chest
• Workout difficulty
• Workout variety and originality of the routine
• Video quality and interesting camera angles
• Personality, interesting quirky touches
• Musical score, if any.
• Tone and attitude: Is it friendly, instructional, domineering, coaching, hyper-masculine, overtly sexual, clinical, pushy, insulting, very straight, very gay?

After completing your review, create your own original work-out, choosing from among the best routines that you have seen demonstrated. Be realistic about your capabilities. Don’t make it too easy or too hard. From now on going forward, if you are in the penalty box, you will perform this routine every day without fail as part of your penance (in addition to not jerking off.) You may only alter your routine, if you draw this card again and do another review.

Metal would like to thank Kevin’s Path for this game!

Master Mike writes,

Here is the final piece of my electro magnet setup. I wrote this program that can be run from any PC with internet access. It basically controls the remote timer connected to the electro magnet system. There are two timers, the local timer that cannot be remotely controlled and is currently set to 8 hours, and the remote time that is currently set to 2 hours and can be controlled by the prison guard program. Both timers need to be active for the magnet to be on. The prison guard program can be used to set up cycles to reset the remote timer. It can also be used to optionally set release time after the execution of a number of cycles.

In the example below, the cycle time is set to 32 minutes and set for 7 cycles:

When 3 cycles remain, the program will release the magnet for 2 seconds.

This works out to be a maximum restraint time of 03:44:06 with the earliest possible release of 02:08:00. As you can see in the example below, I slept through the first two early release cycles.

The system is completely safe. The remote time cannot exceed the local time value currently set to 8 hours. If the internet connection is lost, then the remote time will finish out its 2-hour time and release the magnet. In the case of a power failure, the magnet will release.

That being said, there is no other escape.

Only Paul knows the password to access the prison guard program and relay. I cannot clear the timers from my iPad or by calling anyone else to release the timer. The only way I can get out is to call Paul. As for the bed, the left arm is held by the magnet, which has a 1,200-pound hold that is bolted to the floor with the wires running under the carpet. There is no way to pull it off. At the bottom of the magnet block is the key to unlock the restraints. There is absolutely no way to escape. The same system works on the gurney and for the cage.

There is also a camera for the guard to monitor and communicate with the prisoner.

Metal would like to thank Master Mike for sharing this information and sending these pictures!

Hey prisoners,

When it comes to rigging yourself up in self-bondage, leave it to Richard Hunter of Mr S to show me how it’s done! Richard was kind enough to send the information and pictures below about using the Ice Lock in a most inventive manner.

Remember, whenever you do solo bondage play it’s a good idea to let a trusted friend know what you are up to so he can come and save your ass if something goes wrong.

—Metal

OK Metal,

I used the Ice Lock myself, the longer one and it lasted for 2 hours and 25 minutes with the Neoprene cosy on it. It was rigged to a pulley system with the keys attached to 2 padlocks to a cage. When the Ice Lock opened the weights (15 lbs.) at the end of the Ice Lock dropped to the floor bringing the other end of the rope thru 2 pulleys that held the keys with 2 lbs. of weight attached down to land in front of the cage. Plus lots of bondage inside the cage and the leg iron and handcuff keys were also attached onto the pulley system as well. Here are some pictures of the rigging, it’s pretty simple actually, just need two points of attachment in the ceiling about 5 feet apart for the two pulleys.

The 15 lbs of weight are attached to the Ice Lock itself. On the other end is about 2 lbs. of weight with the keys. You need some weight to make sure the keys get pulled down when the Ice Lock opens and the 15 lbs drop off.

The 15 lbs and the Ice Lock is about 5 feet in front of the cage, so you can’t reach it. The keys then are about 1 foot in front of the cage when they drop down, and you can just reach thru the bars, even with the handcuffs on, and grab the keys to everything: the leg irons, handcuffs and the 2 padlocks locking the cage itself.

You’re in the cage for about 2 and a half hours, with no way out. Plus you can bring all your favorite toys in there with you or on the floor next to the cage to play with while locked up. Sweet, and yes, I did this to myself, to see how it all would work before I tried it on someone else. Gotta do the “research” you know!

It worked like a charm. You just gotta get the distances right as to the keys dropping down in front of the cage. Too far away and you can’t reach them if your hands are cuffed together. Also at first I didn’t put any weight on the key end of the rope, and then it dawned on me, wait, what’s going to cause it to drop down when the heavier weights drop off? So I figured 2 lbs would work and it did. Also had to make sure the rope ‘length’ was right, so it would drop all the way down. See, research is really important.

— Richard

Metalbond would like to thank Richard Hunter of Mr S for the pictures and information about the Ice Locks.  

Click for Serious Male Bondage

Click for Stainless Steel Ice Lock

They come in large or small. Great for self-bondage — or putting your captive in a predicament!

From Mr S

This is the hottest thing I have seen in a long tine. A new video was just added to Serious Male Bondage: “Iced” featuring Jimmy USMC. Check out these still images from the shoot:

In this video, which as I said was just posted to Serious Male Bondage, Jimmy USMC bolts himself down in a basement dungeon using Ice Locks. This scenario hits so many hot buttons for me. (I have been playing it in full-screen mode on my 27-inch iMac at full volume.) I really like the sounds of the metal shackles and the padlocks as he restrains himself, plus the sound of the insulation as he applies it to the Ice Locks. He has spaced the chains just far enough apart for him to be challenged in the four-point restraint position, without the lockdown points being too far to give him enough wiggle room to prevent cramping and loss of circulation. That means he is good for a nice, long ordeal.

Of course there is the awesome sight of this hot, muscular guy — and those awesome tattoos! (For me there is nothing hotter than a guy with tattoos.) The way he hesitates about seven and a half minutes into this video, just after clicking the lock at his left wrist but before moving to the final one at his right wrist a minute later, really matters. Up until now he can still back out if he wants. But then, just after that 9-minute mark, the final click. It takes him a few tries to get that last lock to close, thus finalizing the inescapable predicament he has locked himself into. I really like watching the first few moments after he has done himself in. Watching him adjust his position as best he can, watching him tug on the wrist chains and then tug harder (they won’t budge). And then, his words of glory: “Holy fuck — this is fucking sweet!” Yes, it is! Well-done, Jimmy USMC, and well-done, Serious Male Bondage!

I’m wondering how long he is going to end up in that spread eagle? As someone who has experience with Ice Locks himself, I have found that it can take several hours for them to melt. One thing he has going for him, though, is his strength. He’s obviously no stranger to the gym, and with all that strength he might be able to pull just hard enough to get the ice inside the cylinders to break. However, the insulation he has added around the cylinders of the ice locks looks thick, and that will prolong his predicament.

I’m going to have to go back and watch this again. But first:

• Subscribe to Serious Male Bondage here (recommended).
• To learn more about Ice Locks, click here and here.
• To see more of Jimmy USMC, click here, here and here.

And, an important safety note: Whenever you do any kind of self-bondage like this, always leave yourself an out. That means if you are going to lock yourself TO something like eyebolts in the floor, or IN something like a cage or box, be sure that someone is within earshot in case something goes wrong. (In the video depicted above, Jimmy USMC does not have a key between his legs, meaning that when he gets his arms free in another hour or three, he’s still going to be bolted down by his ankles.)